At The Core of Self-Love
As I began the infant stage of self-expansion and breaking free from old patterns I was often told that I needed to love myself more. Well that is a really nice concept but where do I start? All my life I had been told not to love myself but to put others before me, to serve, to be humble. Now this new thing of self-love is staring me down and it was as foreign to me as any new language.
I found my way to Louise Hay. In her book, How to Heal Your Life, she suggested affirmations. I dutifully recited the mantras of loving and accepting myself each day. I read somewhere to treat myself as I would want to be treated by a lover. So I took myself on dates; romantic picnics, walks in the woods, dinners al fresco, etc. I began to take my power back from those I willing gave it away to. I began to stand in my truth and live authentically, being my true self without any apologies or explanations.
All these things were empowering and helped me gain a degree of self-love. I thought I was doing really well until one day I had a revelation. Something triggered me and opened my eyes. I had been ignoring the voice inside, the voice that said, “I want to do yoga everyday,” “I want to eat clean food,” “I want to write my story,” “I want to get organized and focused;” I need to be better cared for.” I heard this voice and I would patronize it, saying, “Yes, yes, yes, I hear you…it is just so busy now, when I find more time.” Yet that time never came. I continued to ignore the promptings and reject the pleas, continuing to give outside distractions all my attention. My inner world was abandoned by ME, rejected by ME, neglected by ME! I had wondered why others’ actions left me feeling these emotions. Now I was awakening to the reality…they were reflecting my own inner world; my relationship with myself.
When I came to this realization I cried. All the love, acceptance and attention I sought from others was being denied by the only one that mattered, ME. I let myself down, I held up my hand like a neglectful parent and said, “You are not important enough, there are more interesting and pressing matters than you.” It is a sad story but the good news is I finally recognized it. I went inside and held my inner self, apologizing and telling her I do indeed love her, that she is worthy of my love and very important. I promised to take care of her and listen to her needs, giving her the support she desires. It is a new journey, this journey of Self-Love. Sometimes I miss the mark but as soon as I recognize it I turn to myself and ask what is the need or desire being denied and seek to respond with love. I seek to put myself first so I can truly love others from a healthy and whole place, rather than a desperate reaching for what I desire from myself.
In this month of Love, perhaps you may ask yourself if your inner voice has been calling. How can you tend to that voice and give it the love it truly deserves? May you begin a love affair with yourself that never ends, that continues to expand and deepen and may you always stand firmly in that self-love, No Matter What!
With love,
Me, Myself and I, Deva Vidya
